All families, nuclear and extended, at one time or another, experience the problem of getting along. This is also true with work groups. There are probably many reasons for confusion and fuss. But perhaps, the most likely reason is not really understanding what the other is saying.

The Apostle Peter counsels us to show “brotherly love” (1 Peter 3:8) to one another. The Greek word translated as brotherly love literally means: to understand and empathize with.

Another of Jesus’ disciples, the Apostle Paul, recommended similar sentiments when he exhorted fellow Christians to “be happy with those who are happy, weep with people who weep.” Also, he said, “Be like minded the same way toward others as to yourselves.” (Romans 12:15, 16). Would you not agree that it would be practically impossible to love others as ourselves if we did not put ourselves in their places?

Understanding how to communicate, I believe, is the most important skill in life. And the essence of communication is emphatic (or active) listening with the intent to understand. It’s not that you agree with someone, but that you try to fully, deeply understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually.

If we really want to be effective in communicating, influencing and reaching people who seem “so different,” then it’s important to speak their language.

Steven Covey, in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, wrote “empathic listening gets inside of the other person’s frame of reference, looks through it, and sees the world the way they see it. When you understand a person’s perspective, you understand how he or she feels and exchange communications at the deepest of human levels — the soul.”

King Solomon, the principal author of the book of Proverbs, instructs us on how to have lives that are peaceful, full and complete. He said, “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all your getting get understanding.” (Proverbs 4:7).

Writer Steve Goodier told the story of a woman who wanted to explain the principle of understanding others to her children. She did it using a bedtime story about an elephant.

The Indian elephant Bozo was the most famous elephant in the world. He was a huge, beautiful and gentle beast. Children could extend open palms filled with peanuts for the circus elephant to gently pluck and eat.

But one day Bozo changed. He almost trampled the man who cleaned his cage, charged children and seemed to be incorrigible. His owner knew he would have to destroy the once gentle creature.

To raise money for a new elephant, the circus owner held a cruel exhibition. He sold tickets to witness Bozo’s execution and, on the appointed day, his arena was packed. Three men with high-powered rifles rose to take aim at the great beast’s head.

Just before the signal was given to shoot, a little, stubby man in a brown hat stepped out of the crowd and told the elephant’s owner the execution was unnecessary because Bozo was not a bad elephant.

“But he is,” the owner argued. “We must kill him before he kills someone.”

The stranger asked for two minutes alone in his cage to prove his point.Eventually, the keeper agreed to allow the man inside Bozo’s cage (after having him sign a statement absolving the circus from any liability). The man entered the cage of the trumpeting beast. Before the elephant could charge, he began to speak to him. Bozo immediately quieted.

Nearby spectators could hear the man, but not understand, for he spoke a foreign language. Soon the great animal began to tremble, whine and throw his head about. Then the stranger walked up to Bozo and stroked his trunk which the elephant tenderly wrapped around the man. He lifted the man and carried him around his cage before carefully depositing him back at the door. Everyone applauded.

As the cage door closed behind him, the man said to Bozo’s keeper, “You see, he is a good elephant. His problem is that he is an Indian elephant and understands one language.” He explained that Bozo was frustrated and confused. He needed someone who could speak his language.

After the man picked up his brown derby and walked away, the circus owner looked carefully at the signature on the note absolving the circus of responsibility in case he was injured inside the elephant’s cage. The statement was signed by Rudyard Kipling, the well-known British poet and author of The Jungle Book.

People become frustrated and angry when they are not heard or understood. But great relationships are formed by parents who learn to speak their children’s language, by spouses who understand what makes each other feel loved – whether it’s quality time, physical touch, etc.

Professionals who learn to empathize with and speak the language of their staff and clients often are most successful.

God is our prime example of empathy. “Come now, let us reason together says the LORD. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” (Isaiah 1:18).

God wants us to reason with Him and also other people. When others understand that you understand and you empathize with their heartaches and problems, then you are speaking their language. It is the beginning of true communication.